i have big calves

I am an optimist. I look on the bright side always. I find good in hard situations. I don’t worry about broken things. I give people the benefit of the doubt every time.  I stick up for people who may only have a slim chance of being an okay person. I compliment, see the beauty and admire the good.

But damn it if I can look at myself and do the same.

My mom was perfectly imperfect at raising me. One of the things I’ll never know how she achieved, was my body image.  I can’t say that I’m a heavy person, but I’m not built very petite or small either. Yet somehow I never saw those features. I never noticed a difference. However. When I was about 15, I remember being at track practice and having a boy make the comment “why are your calves so huge..?”

The shell I lived in shattered. To hell with that boy.

I looked in the mirror that night and stared at my calves.

I went to school the next day and gawked at girls around me. I DID have big calves. Big calves that ran into big ankles, that collided into big, wide feet.

Why did everyone else get to have dainty features? I started pulling at the skin around my wrists and calves and ankles, wondering if I could pin them back somehow to create an allusion of “small”.. other girls had thin wrists, small calves, tiny ankles and I felt like a monster.

I started contorting myself in pictures. When I stood, I’d roll the sides of my feet under to attempt to make my feet look less wide.

I remember my mom making the allusion that some people are born greyhounds and I was born a bulldog. At this point, I figured all that I had going was a fun personality.

I hate that one comment messed things up. Messed up the beautiful light my mom put up, that I had perceived myself in before.

My senior year I had another experience. A boy paused, looking at my calves and said “Marlee, you have big calves.” At this point of my life I had received that idiotic comment enough to respond with snottiness and irritation and typically could find a way to belittle someone for being so dense. But as I began going off, he stopped me and said.. “It’s not a bad thing, they’re beautiful…”

Never had I ever. Hm.

That comment changed my attitude very slightly. For the first time, someone had made me feel like my build wasn’t something I should be ashamed of. That it could possibly be admired. (Not that my mom hadn’t attempted to make me see this, but again, it’s crazy how much a boys’ comment can affect you)

Fast forward through my college years where I received more positive comments about my body and gained appreciation for my thick thighs and big booty. To finding an adorable boy who I told myself hadn’t really looked at me yet. Who, that maybe, if I made him laugh enough, cooked him good food, and if I talked enough so he wouldn’t find a moment to look down and see my flaws, that that boy would never have to know my insecurities.  I could cover them up and act like they weren’t there. I didn’t want to talk about them with him, I didn’t want to let him in on something that made me dark, and upset.

But then, that boy loved me.

AND he loves my calves. And every other inch of me.

Here I am. Someone who still has dark moments of self hate and anger at this body that allows me to do so much.

This body is amazing. It is me. It is beautiful and I love it most of the time now. I love that I am strong and I can pick things up on my own and I’m not a weak girl who isn’t capable and so does my husband. I love that I rarely get sick and that I’m healthy and I have constant energy and vigor for life. I love that I enjoy different food and can/do eat a lot and don’t regret it. I love my big butt and my thick thighs and I’m about 90% okay with my calves, and I’m working on it.

So this is more of a long term goal. It’s a story that continues. The trek of being truly happy with ALL OF THE BODY that God gave me.

Until then, I live for the boy who tells me my face is the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen when I’m happy and teases me that he loves me even if I think I’m fat and ugly that day. He gets me.

FOUR

Happy Love Day.

In honor of Love Day, might as well call out MY PEOPLE.

First. My sweet husband. He is the essence and center of all the happiness in my life. I admire him in so many ways and need him in so many more. We’ve been together for three years now, which isn’t long, but it feels like forever. He is so tender and so kind and I know that my happiness is  his number one priority in life.  He loves me with everything he has, and proves to me more every day that I found my perfect man. He is my balance, the calm to my crazy, and the peace and comfort when I’m tired and low. He’s the first person I want to be with and he makes me happier every day.

My momma. She is my OTHER LOVER! I adore my mother. She has such a fierceness and exactness to her life. She is unwavering and unchanging no matter what the world is doing.  She makes me laugh, I can relate to her in most anything, and she’s the only person (other than cody) who I go to for advice and understanding. She is LOVE.  There isn’t anyone who understands love quite like she does.  She deals with rejection and sorrow and loss, yet keeps on moving. She’s quite the force and I’m blessed to have been raised by her and to have her on my team.

Grandma Sonja. A true example of a classy, beautiful, kind, do-it-yourself woman. One of my most favorite things about my grandma is how delicate and precious she is. I remember when Cody first met her he was in awe of her class, and how she gets herself all “done-up” and all that about her. It was amazing to tell him that while on the outside she has this gaudy persona, inside she’s tough and talented, and one hardworking woman. She’s all about getting it done now and not putting things off. I love that about her. Last month she insisted on me having a flower bed. She soon after showed up and forced me to do it! Lol. I worked for hours on my flowers and am so grateful she insisted (more so came over and taught me how) on it, because those flowers have been a highlight of my life this year. I’ve taken so much pride in them and want them to flourish and am blessed to have her to teach me and encourage me. Now if I can just get husband to get as excited about doing the rest of the lawn…

Princess T. I love Tei’a Ta’ase almost Roberts with all my heart. She has been such a ray of sunshine in my life the last 6 months. More than anything being with her is just relaxing, I can put a stop to everything else and just be. We can sit and vedge and yack for ages. I love those kind of people. I’m simple. I like good conversation. It pleases me more than anything. I just like to get to know someone better. Emotionally connect. I get that with Te’ia and it brings me such joy.

There are others, but these four have really affected my year thus far. So Happy Valentine’s Day 2017.

Mwah.

-Marlee

Glad that’s over with..

The year 2016 is coming to a close and I didn’t make a sound the entire year. How very sad. As I look back at my work calendar this year I see everything that has happened. It’s been a year. I wouldn’t say it’s been especially fantastic, because to be honest it has sucked in a lot of ways. I always tend to say/think that Heavenly Father has given me so many blessings and a relatively simple personal life so that I can take care of everyone around me. I think if I had personal demons or health issues or any other problems that I wouldn’t be as good at being there for others. I can get a little selfish sometimes.

So. This year has been hard on the Sherwood Family, while my Roberts Fam has a rough 2015, the Sherwood’s took the cake this year. It has been one I mostly wish could’ve been glossed over, moved on from and forgotten. Life is hard, people.. REALLY HARD. I cried, my heart ached, I was sad, I prayed and all that was purely for everyone else around me. My life is easy, but I feel for my family, mostly my parents. Homies have it hard, but they carry on and make fun memories and try their darndest and I admire them.

January- March: We went up and played in the snow in Flagstaff, Wayward siblings who ran off for months, Dillon Roberts came home, and We went on a freakin AWESOME Caribbean cruise. I love vacationing, I live for vacationing. And we had SUCH a good time. Of all the places we spent time in, I would go back to Cozumel in a heartbeat, the place was clean, there was so many fun things we could’ve done, so I want to find an all-inclusive resort over there and really spend some time. #dreamy

I love my Baby B.

April-June: I left husband for a weekend and went to 6 Flags with my momma, Ethen, and Dane we had the time of our lives and it was such a fun memory to be able to spend time hanging out with those boys. Then just as Cody is finishing up his Junior year of college, I decided it was time for us to start looking for a house!! So within 2 weeks I found my house, we moved out of our box that housed us for almost two years, put our crap in storage and moved in with Mike and Tammy the SAME DAY as Cass and Park. (May 1^st & our house closed on June 24^th) INSANE! We lived with the Roberts at the Palm Beach house for about 3.5 weeks before they moved to the Gilbert Temple house. It was the craziest time, but very good too. I built relationships with them that were better than before. My cute boyfriend and I celebrated 2 years of Marriage. Finally! On June 6^th my last baby was adopted! Savannah Olive Sherwood became the last to enter the clan.

Dil's Homecoming talk

Grandma Olive passed away, and we went to Trase's grave on her Funeral Day

I took a photography class.. ha!

Our "box". Almost 2 years in the cute little house. It held a lot of learning for us.

All of us at Saturday's Warrior!

Our beautiful table that we sanded, painted and restained!

Kelsey came alone for fun one weekend and we made it a girl's night!

July-September: Summer was crazy. It was filled with long days at work, followed by longs evenings at our house, followed by long drives back to the Roberts as we scraped popcorn ceiling, painted, and ripped out carpet, and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. I seriously felt like our house would never finish being “upgraded” but a lot of help from the fam and friends on some EVEN LONGER Saturdays made all the difference and by July 20^th we were all ready to move into our Happy little home. It’s so beautiful and I’m so proud of all the work and time we put into making it our own.  

Blurry, mom struggled at taking a decent pic. Pretty sure that's lex or rhett with the bunny ears. HA!

We made our way to Idaho as well and that was awesome. Lots of late nights laying on the porch swing with my honey and days full of floating the river, the waterpark, and all the other awesome things that make Lava Hot Springs freakin awesome. Funny/not so funny/lucky story. We drove to Idaho with my family and we booked a flight home before my parents decided to leave. SO as we’re driving to the Idaho Falls airport I remember I have no wallet which means no license/identification. That led to about 30 minutes of TSA phone calls and questions that made me feel like a giant turd and gave Cody something to make fun of me about. Luckily, the let me get on the plane and go home, but that was after a very intrusive full body pat down. **eye roll**

Funny story about this pic on the right.
My mom made a bet with Ethen (who even
knows what it was about) and he obviously
lost and he had to go up to bad without
his pants!
I love that kid, he's such a good sport!

i freakin love my parents.

Cody started his senior year of college, and then I turned 23 and we went to Harry Potter world and got a year pass. (WE NEED TO GO AGAIN?MORE) we also found this bomb.com ramen place that we went to like 3 times. SO GOOD! I won tickets on the radio to the IHEARTRadio concert in Vegas. We drove up the day before and hit up the WICKED SPOON in the Cosmopolitan. Let me tell you, if I lived in Vegas, I would eat nowhere else. It was so good I could’ve died. I was in food heaven. (which is impressive bc I’m a foodie.) Then we hit the convert Saturday. In one word it was SICK. So many amazing artists and a lot of sun. my honey got so sunburned which led to us leaving early, which made me feel like an old person, but se la vie. It was still awesome.

had all the girls spend the night while cody went on a boys trip with Dillon Martin.

October-Now: October was great, I got to go to Utah to spend some time with my Pooky and then see Victoria and stay with her and her “family”. It was pretty nice and they were the kindest, most sweet people, so accommodating and were such a fun family!

Random D-Backs game. and (per usual) we only went for the food...

The next weekend we took the annual Roberts Halloween Disneyland trip and this time we got to have Te’ia and Camille and Malcolm with us. It was awesome. I’m inheriting some of the coolest people as family and I love them all dearly. It’s truly such a joy to be a part of that family. 

went to the Smelser's Halloween party. (my calves are so enormous)

November went quick, Dillon proposed and I get to have Te’ia as my sister for FOREVER! Victoria came home for Thanksgiving, that was joyous. So now we’re here in December. And I’m caught up. And already know that I will make writing a priority for 2017. 

Daddy's Birthday

Best family tradition EVER!

A couple thoughts:

1.       Family is forever, and my relationships and the joy they each bring me is something I am so blessed to take part in.

2.       Baby Hunger is hitting me as the year is coming to a close, but not quite as hard as my need to travel and see more of this beautiful Earth.

3.       I have the best husband in all the land and I love how similar we are and how much we enjoy each other’s company and how happy he truly makes me.

4.       It’s about time for him to graduate though. It feels like I’ve been in school FOREVER! haha. Jk. I’m the worst.

5.       There are a few goals I need to set for 2017. Some characteristic flaws of mine that DESPERATELY need to be worked on.


XO,

Mars